As we all know, the Federal Government is drowning in a big ocean of debt, and they need about $12 trillion dollars or so to swim out of it. This, when you think about numbers, isn’t so much when compared to, say, a mere 12 Milky Way Galaxies stacked back to back and stretched over the very fabric of spacetime itself, which is why it’s important to keep things in perspective. Luckily, the Federal Government owns the Mint, so everything should be fine.
The danger, of course, is that the Mint may break down and/or violently explode over the enormous strain of printing up $12 trillion new dollars over the course of right now, because that’s when they need the money to fund the newly passed Health Care Overhaul Bill, which is several thousand pages long, pages that could have more appropriately gone to the Mint to print the money needed to fund it.
Various sources are now reporting a severe paper shortage at the Mint due to the 1,070 copies of the several thousand page bill sent to each member of both the House and the Senate, twice, due to a printer glitch. (Lawmakers will have to wait for the Back to School season in order to purchase binders big enough to fit the text of the Bill.) Senators and Congresspersons who have already read and memorized the bill and/or don’t know what the Bill is about and don’t care, are being encouraged to donate their copies to the Mint immediately.
Due to the sharp dive in the value of the US dollar following the massive printing operations at the Mint combined with the spike in the price of paper consequent of the recent surge in Congressional demand, it is estimated that the $12 trillion money-printing initiative, nicknamed Operation Get Rich Really Really Really Really Quick, will cost the Federal Government approximately $14.5 bagillion-shmillion, a new number just recently discovered by economists, which will be borrowed from China in the form of negotiable currency shipped on the aircraft carrier USS Ronald McDonald, formerly the USS Ronald Reagan until the fast food franchise rented the rights to the carrier for some much-needed government capital that was immediately spent on funding operation Get Rich Really Really Really Really Quick.
In an attempt to save the economy from collapse, Jewish accountants from all over the country were rushed to the capital in an attempt to come up with a carefully planned strategy to pay off the national debt. The conclusion of the summit was, “Maybe we should pay in chanukkah dreidels or Monopoly money.”
Upon the announcement, stock in Parker Brothers Game Company quintupled.
The Health Care Overall is estimated to save the government flabillions of dollars a second by putting an end to federally-funded Medicare and Medicaid waste by expanding government control over the entire system and federally-funding everything so nobody can cheat anymore. The idea being that if all health care requiring people are busy filling out forms all day about their great aunt’s gall bladder history, actual money-costing health-care-related operations will drop so rapidly that everyone will become rich overnight from the surpluses.
President Obama had this to say about the prospective savings: “We believe that a two-state solution is good for the region, and could you please loan us some paper.”