Posted By Mike Rosenthal on November 20, 2011 | 1 Comments
I just came across the 9 rules of property ownership for kids. It’s in Hebrew but I’ll translate it for you. I get the feeling sometimes that this applies just as equally to adults.
Read MorePosted By Mike Rosenthal on October 17, 2011 | Leave a Comment
One of the weirdest joys about being a parent is the feeling of… fulfillment you get when you are woken up at 5am by your 17-month old daughter whose idea of an alarm clock is to stick her fingers up your nostrils as far as she can until you sit bolt upright wondering why you have a nosebleed. Why does she do this? Usually for a good 5am serving of cheerios.
Read MorePosted By Mike Rosenthal on July 13, 2010 | 2 Comments
In an embarrassing situation for the Jewish State, a ship manned by monkeys carrying vaccines and bananas from Iran was boarded by the Israeli Navy. Violence ensued, and 7 bananas were reportedly wounded in the scuffle. One of the monkeys on board, in a fit of despair, jumped overboard and drowned. The IDF decided to board the flotilla in order to investigate the bananas alleged status as potential biological agents, as the ships originated from Turkey and were sponsored by Iran.
Read MorePosted By Mike Rosenthal on July 07, 2010 | 1 Comments
10) With Greece, Portugal, Spain, and what now looks to be Italy on the verge of national bankruptcy, it seems as if, 65 years after the Holocaust, Europe is finally feeling the aftereffects of a serious lack of Jewish accountants.
Read MorePosted By Mike Rosenthal on June 30, 2010 | Leave a Comment
Don’t get me wrong. I love my one month old daughter. It’s just that sometimes I get so jealous of her that I cry myself to sleep, or at least I would if I wasn’t so tired. Here I have helped create a being so fortunate that she can throw up, poop, fart, spit, drool, burp, and eat, wherever, however, whenever, on whoever, and for whatever reason she wants, and nobody ever yells at her for doing it, or even makes her feel bad or in the least bit guilty. On the contrary—appreciation for her unpredictable bodily functions increases proportionally with the amount of force she employs in expelling her products.
Read MorePosted By Mike Rosenthal on June 23, 2010 | Leave a Comment
There’s nothing funnier than giving birth. Except for maybe oral surgery without anesthesia. The day your wife gives birth, you pretty much feel like it would be quite considerate if you got your teeth pulled with rusty pliers just for the heck of it because otherwise you’re just sitting there watching her scream at you and you can’t do anything but maybe eat some potato chips. Now, if you got your teeth pulled with rusty pliers by a defrocked oral surgeon, then at least you could scream together and enjoy the moment of pre parental bliss on the same page.
Read MorePosted By Mike Rosenthal on April 15, 2010 | Leave a Comment
As we all know, the Federal Government is drowning in a big ocean of debt, and they need about $12 trillion dollars or so to swim out of it. This, when you think about numbers, isn’t so much when compared to, say, a mere 12 Milky Way Galaxies stacked back to back and stretched over the very fabric of spacetime itself, which is why it’s important to keep things in perspective. Luckily, the Federal Government owns the Mint, so everything should be fine.
Read MorePosted By Mike Rosenthal on March 23, 2010 | Leave a Comment
When I was in seventh grade, I had an English class where we had to compile a book of our own poetry, which is where you try to say something about stuff by using words that haven’t been employed since the penning of Beowulf and sentence structure that would confuse Yoda enough to have him impale you with his lightsaber in frustration. The best way to analogize poetry would be…modern art for words, by which I mean that just as in modern art you fling paint over some canvas and it represents something so profound that critics will cry from an overdose of hidden meaning and begin violently seizing, in poetry you fling words on a paper and attempt to induce seizures as well. For this reason, it is best not to read poetry while driving under the influence of a modern art critic.
Read MorePosted By Mike Rosenthal on March 18, 2010 | Leave a Comment
Once a year, Jews around the world participate in the ritual of giving their houses the equivalent of a full body cavity search. They’ll have you think that they do it because the Torah commands them to get rid of chametz on Passover or something like that, but the real reason is that they’ve lost so many things that by the time Passover rolls around, they have to cannibalize their socks because they’ve completely run out of matching pairs, steal underwear from their wives since theirs ran away with the socks, and hide from the local locksmith after the latest check bounced because he’s spent so much money copying keys that he has to declare bankruptcy and he’s made enough copies to feed a small army, assuming that army eats keys. Which of course it does.
Read MorePosted By Mike Rosenthal on March 07, 2010 | Leave a Comment
My wife is pregnant. This is great, because it means I get to be responsible for making sure whatever comes out of there doesn’t kill itself accidentally. From what I hear, babies put everything in their mouths for the evolutionarily advantageous reason that if you put everything in your mouth all the time, you’ll every so often find something that is actually food and slowly but surely, you’ll figure out exactly which things kill you instantly if inserted into the mouth, like bleach; and which things taste good, like antifreeze.
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